Spaceballs: The Book Read online

  The Princess, bedecked in a magnificent wedding gown of flowing white lace, stepped up to the aisle at the rear of the church. She was being pushed by the King, with help from a fussy head usher.

  "Push a little harder," the King commanded. "The music has already started." He looked around. "What's all that buzzing? It's giving me a royal headache."

  "No, wait," said Princess Vespa nervously, gripping her father's arm. She peered through her wedding veil. "Where's my Droid of Honor?"

  "Oh, dear, yes! Where's Dot Matrix?" the usher cried. He began running frantically from side to side, calling, "Dot! Dot Matrix!"

  A few seconds later, Dot came running toward them. "Sorry. I had to make a pit stop," she said. "I'm so excited, I can't hold my oil!"

  Dot fell into place behind the Princess and picked up the beautiful lacy train of the wedding gown. "All right, people. It's magic time," gushed the head usher. "Starting on the left foot - go."

  King Roland stepped off on his right foot.

  "Wrong foot. Wrong foot," said the Princess. "I guess we'll have to call the wedding off!"

  "Keep walking," the King commanded.

  They took exactly four steps and then stopped. The organist stopped playing. The confused guests turned to see what the problem was.

  "Daddy, must I go through with this?" Vespa asked.

  King Roland gave her a stern look. "I'm sorry, my dear, but you have to."

  The organist started up "The Wedding March" again. The Princess and her party began to walk down the aisle again. Four steps later, the Princess stopped. "But, Daddy, I don't love him," Vespa protested.

  The King sighed. "I'm sorry, Vespa. But he's the last prince left in the galaxy."

  At the front of the church, Prince Valium turned to greet his bride. With sleepy, half-closed eyes, he began to give her a big smile. But halfway there, the smile became a loud, openmouthed yawn.

  It was now obvious to just about everyone why Valium was the last prince in the galaxy to get married!

  Beneath her veil, Vespa's face revealed her unhappiness. But as she continued her walk down the aisle, she realized she had no choice.

  The music stopped. The King stepped aside. Vespa continued walking slowly to the altar with Dot right behind, carefully holding her train.

  "Dearly beloved," began the minister before Vespa had even come to a stop. "We are gathered here together on this joyous occasion to witness...."

  Vespa reached the altar - and kept walking. She walked past Prince Valium. She walked past the minister. Then she began to run. She ran as fast as she could, pulling Dot behind her.

  "We are gathered here to witness ... Princess Vespa going right past the altar, running out the back door, leaving all of us dumbfounded - especially poor Prince Valium standing here grinning like an idiot. Amen," said the startled minister.

  "Amen," said the wedding guests.

  "Stop! Stop her! Someone stop her!" King Roland screamed, his face a royal purple with rage.

  Princess Vespa, with Dot still holding the train to her wedding gown, ran across the parking lot and up the ramp to the waiting Honeymoon Coupe. "Wait a minute! Didn't we forget somebody?" Dot cried.

  But Vespa wasn't about to wait for anyone! She pulled Dot into the spaceship. The ramp, pulled up and closed like the door to an airplane.

  "Stop I Come back!" wedding guests shouted from below. But their pleas were drowned out by the roar of the engines. They watched in disbelief as the craft tilted up on its launching pad.

  King Eoland, followed by Prince Valium, ran toward the launching pad. But they were too late to stop the Princess's escape.

  "Vespa, I love you! Come baaa - " Prince Valium started, but his words ended in another long, openmouthed yawn.

  With a deafening roar, twin bursts of flame carried the Honeymoon Coupe up into the sky. Soon it was only a dark speck between the white clouds.

  Prince Valium finished his yawn. "This never happened to me before," he said, his eyes sleepily following the spaceship as it disappeared into the skies. "I'm not sure I know what to feel."

  "How about 'humiliated'?" suggested the King.

  "Yeah. Humiliated," the Prince agreed, yawning. "That's good. Humiliated. Very good. I guess that's why you're the King, huh?"

  Chapter 4

  Spaceball City, the capital of Planet Space-ball, looked like a Ping-Pong game that got out of control. The buildings were all white globes that seemed to bounce off in different directions from the rocky terrain.

  Inside the largest Ping-Pong ball was the office of President Skroob, leader of the Spaceballs. Short and rather comical-looking, with a raspy voice and a crooked little mustache, Skroob seemed more like a TV or movie comedian than a national leader.

  But Skroob was not feeling too comical today as he spoke into the phone to a TV reporter. "Don't be ridiculous," he yelled into the phone. "You can assure your viewers that there is absolutely no air shortage whatsoever. Good-bye."

  Skroob slammed down the receiver. Then, making sure no one was watching him, he unlocked a lower desk drawer and pulled out a light green can. The label on the can revealed it to be "Perri-Air." Smiling in eager anticipation, Skroob popped the top, raised the can to his nose, and breathed deeply.

  His smile became a satisfied grin. Nothing like air, if you want to do a little breathing, he thought. And this imported stuff was so light, so low-calorie.

  Suddenly, the interoffice telewall lit up, interrupting his breathing. Skroob quickly tossed the can behind him.

  A beautiful young woman in a military uniform appeared on the screen. "President Skroob, this is Central Control," she said. "Spaceball Commanderette Zircon speaking, sir."

  Skroob's eyes bugged out of his head, and his mustache began to twitch. "This Zircon is a gem!" he told himself. He always was a fool for a uniform - especially if the uniform had a woman in it!

  "What is it?" Skroob asked, drooling at the wall screen.

  "We have just received word from the Spaceball Star Cruiser, sir," Zircon told him. "Lord Helmet informs us that Princess Vespa's Honeymoon Coupe has blasted off from Druidia. The ship is in sight, and Spaceball One is closing in on her."

  I'd like to close in on you, Skroob thought, staring at Zircon on the screen.

  "You can watch both ships on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe," Zircon said.

  "Yes, I wish to observe. I love to observe. That's my hobby, you know - observing," Skroob said enthusiastically. "I'll be right there."

  "Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?" Zircon asked.

  Skroob hesitated. What was this beaming down stuff? And who was Snotty and how did he get into this story ?

  "I don't know about this beaming down stuff," he told her. "Is it safe?"

  "It's as easy as breathing, sir," Zircon told him.

  Uh-oh, Skroob thought. "Oh, well. Okay. I'll try it."

  Skroob stood up and walked over to a small circular platform next to his desk. He opened a sliding door and entered a Plexiglas cylinder.

  "Okay, Snotty - beam him down," Zircon commanded.

  "Yessir. Immediately, sir," replied Snotty.

  Skroob looked up to the top of the narrow cylinder, a worried expression on his face. Suddenly, a ray of green light shot down from the top of the cylinder. The light surrounded Skroob.

  "Ooh, that feels good. That feels GOOD! I like it so far!" the Spaceball President declared.

  The green light grew brighter, denser. Skroob began to disappear. The top of his head vanished. His chin, his neck, his shoulders - all of him faded away. In seconds, the cylinder appeared empty.

  In the Spaceball Control Center, Snotty and Zircon stood beside another cylinder, identical to the one in Skroob's office. As they anxiously watched, the cylinder began to hum. A green ray of light filled the cylinder. Skroob began to appear - first the feet, then the legs, then the waist - until all of him stood before them.

  "Good lord! What happened to his head?" Snotty cried.

/>   "I don't believe this!" Zircon exclaimed. "It's on backwards!"

  "Do something!" Skroob cried from inside the cylinder. His body faced front. His head faced the back. "This is terrible! Why didn't anybody ever tell me my behind was so big!"

  "Hold still, sir," Snotty called. "We're going to reverse the beam."

  Snotty pushed a lever, and a few seconds later, Skroob appeared - face forward - back in the cylinder in his office. He tried his head out, moving it left, then right, up, and down. It seemed to work pretty well.

  "Shall we beam you again, sir?" Zircon's image on the wall asked.

  "Forget it," Skroob said, still testing his head. "This time, I'll walk."

  He walked over to the door to his office, opened it, and stepped into Spaceball Control Center. It was right next door the whole time!

  "Now, where's Princess Vespa?" Skroob asked, walking up to the teledar screen.

  "Right there, sir," Zircon told him, pointing to a green dot on the screen.

  "She looks a little green. Maybe the wedding cake made her a little nauseous," Skroob said.

  "No, sir. That's not the Princess. That's her spaceship," Zircon said patiently.

  "What's that other green dot?" Skroob asked, walking up closer to the screen.

  "That's our cruiser, Spaceball One, sir. As you can see, the Princess is approaching Spaceball One at fifteen hundred light leagues per minute."

  "Good, good," Skroob said, studying the screen. "Well, that's perfectly clear. I have just one other question."

  "What's that, sir?" Zircon asked.

  "What the heck is a light league?"

  Chapter 5

  Princess Vespa, still in her wedding dress, feverishly worked the controls of her small spaceship. Little did she realize, as she guided the ship through the darkness of space, that she was being watched - watched and followed. The evil Spaceballs in their gigantic cruiser were closing in, preparing to kidnap her.

  The Princess tore off her wedding veil, revealing a familiar hairstyle. Two large braided buns covered her ears. She looked a little like a princess from long ago in a galaxy far, far away.

  "Do you realize what you've done?" Dot Matrix screamed at her. Dot was still in a state of mechanical shock. "Are you listening to me?" Dot cried. "Turn that thing off!"

  Vespa removed the two huge buns from her ears. They weren't hair - they were headphones to her royal Walkman. Loud music poured out of them. "What do you want?" Vespa asked, eyes on the controls.

  "Do you realize all the people you disappointed?" Dot asked. "Your father, a church full of wedding guests, and that poor, sleepy Prince. All they wanted was your happiness."

  "Listen, Dot," Vespa said. "Happiness can't buy money. Know what I mean?"

  "No, I don't," Dot replied.

  "Neither do I, actually," the Princess admitted.

  "Let's start again," Dot said, a tape rewinding inside her lovely mechanical head. "I was saying, Do you realize what you've done?"

  "Yes, I do," Vespa said loudly. "And I'm glad, glad, glad, glad, glad!"

  Suddenly, Vespa's spaceship rocked violently. A tilt sign lit up on Dot's forehead. Lights flashed in the sky. "What's going on?" Vespa cried, trying to get the ship back under control.

  "I don't know," Dot replied, sounding worried. "I'll take a look through the moon roof."

  The droid pressed a button, and the moon roof slid open above her head. She stood up and looked out.

  "What is it?" the Princess called from the control panel.

  "It's the biggest fershlugginer spaceship in the universe!" Dot called down to her.

  BAAARRROOOOM! Another laser explosion rocked the ship.

  "...And it hates us!" Dot screamed.

  The droid dropped back down into her seat and quickly closed the moon roof.

  Vespa slammed her pretty little fists down indignantly on the control panel. "I don't have to put up with this! I'm rich!" She reached across Dot and picked up her phone - a Princess phone, of course.

  "What are you doing?" Dot asked.

  "I'm calling my father!" Vespa cried. "Operator - could you make this call collect?"

  ***

  Inside the gigantic Spaceball Star Cruiser, Colonel Sandurz and Lord Helmet looked on gleefully as they closed in on the defenseless Princess.

  "We're closing in, sir," Sandurz reported to his heavy-hatted leader. "Shall we break out the champagne and sing a few choruses of the victory song?"

  "Not yet, you fool," said Dark Helmet darkly. "Keep your hat on. We don't have her yet."

  Dark Helmet, his eyes on the Princess's Honeymoon Coupe, picked up the intercom microphone and barked a command. "Fire another warning shot across her nose."

  The Spaceball laser gunner fired another laser blast.

  "Careful, you fool!" cried Dark Helmet. "I said across her nose - not up it!"

  "I'm sorry, sir. I'm doing my best," whined the laser gunner. He turned around to face Lord Helmet, revealing the fact that he was totally cross-eyed!

  "Who made that man a gunner?" Dark Helmet asked angrily.

  A cross-eyed Major turned to Dark Helmet. "I did, sir. He's my cousin," the Major said, staring intently at his own nose.

  "And who are you?" Dark Helmet asked, taking a step back.

  "He's an Idiot, sir," Sandurz said.

  "You bet he is," Dark Helmet agreed.

  "No, sir," protested Sandurz. "That's his name. Major Idiot."

  "And his cousin?" Dark Helmet asked.

  "He's an Idiot, too," Sandurz said. "Gunner's-Mate First Class Idiot. His uncle is on board, too, sir."

  "He's also an idiot?" Dark Helmet asked.

  "No doubt about it, sir," Sandurz replied enthusiastically. "Sergeant-Major General Idiot."

  Dark Helmet threw up his hands inside his helmet. "I knew it," he cried. "I'm surrounded by idiots!"

  Chapter 6

  As the Eagle Five continued to clatter its way across the twisted galaxies of space, Lone Starr and his hairy companion received a surprising telescreen transmission. In fact, when the face of King Roland appeared on the screen, Lone Starr was so startled, he nearly opened both eyes!

  "You've got to help me, Lone Starr," King Roland pleaded. "My daughter just called me - collect. You've got to save her. She's being attacked by Spaceballs!"

  Lone Starr shook his head. "Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous. I'm already number one on Dark Helmet's hit list as it is."

  "Number one with a bullet," Barf said, and then slapped his knees as if he'd made the best joke in the universe. When the half-human, half-dog creature finally stopped laughing, he turned to Lone Starr. "Tell him no. We don't need it."

  "Lone Starr, you must!" King Roland pleaded, crown in hand. "You're the only one who can do it. I'll pay anything. Do you hear me? Anything!"

  "Tell him yes. We need it," Barf said.

  Lone Starr looked up at the telescreen. "Anything?" he asked, dollar signs spinning in his bloodshot eyes. "Okay. We'll do it for a million."

  King Roland dropped his crown and almost his teeth. "A million?? I said anything - not a million!"

  Lone Starr reached up to turn off the transmission.

  "Okay. All right. I'll pay it!" the worried King cried. "Only find her. Save her!"

  "All right, King. You just made a deal," Lone Starr said, trying to keep his voice steady and calm. Under the control board, he shook hands with Barf. "One princess for one million spacebucks." Just the amount he needed to pay back Pizza the Hutt!

  "What's your daughter driving?" Lone Starr asked.

  "A brand-new white Mercedes," King Roland told him. "Two thousand-and-one SEL, limited edition, moon roof, a cellular Princess phone.... I got a very good deal. I paid cash. My cousin, Prince Murray - "

  "We get the idea," Lone Starr interrupted. "Hey - wait a minute. Wait a minute. What was her last position?"

  "She was sort of bent over and running as fast as she could," the King replied.

  "No, no! The position o
f her spaceship!" Lone Starr said impatiently.

  "She was going in the direction of the Andromeda Strain," King Roland told him.

  "I'll bet she's heading for the Carl Sagan Shopping Mall," Barf leaned over and whispered to Lone Starr. "They have the largest pet shop in the galaxy. Maybe if we have time, we could stop and buy me a - "

  "We don't have time," Lone Starr said sharply. He looked up at King Roland on the telescreen. "We'll find her," he said slowly, through his teeth, trying to sound like the hero of a space adventure movie.

  "Bring her back safely," the King said. "And if you can, try to save the Mercedes."

  ***

  Meanwhile, aboard the Spaceball Star Cruiser, Sandurz and Dark Helmet kept their eyes on the radar screen. On the screen, the huge green blip was rapidly closing in on the tiny green blip.

  "Which one is us again?" Dark Helmet asked.

  "The big one. The big one," Sandurz told him.

  "I knew that," Dark Helmet said. "I just wanted to make sure you weren't mixed up or anything."

  "Don't worry, sir. It's going as planned," Sandurz said. "We're closing in on her. Prepare to activate the XG-95 magnetic beam."

  "Good," Dark Helmet said. "What's that?"

  Sandurz quickly explained it to him. "It's a high-focus electromagnetic spectro-beam that deionizes all matter within its focal range, thereby attracting the deionized matter to the spectro-beam source."

  "In other words," Dark Helmet said, scratching his helmet, "what we're talking about here is a very big magnet - right?"

  "Yes," Sandurz said quietly. "Essentially, that is what we're talking about, sir."

  "Well, activate it then!" Dark Helmet screamed.

  "Activate the XG-95 magnetic beam," Sandurz ordered.

  Immediately, the beam operator moved his hand forward and pushed two big buttons. "Magnetic beam activated, sir," he called.

  Everyone watched on the radar screen as a glowing white magnetic beam burst out from the nose of the Cruiser. It hit the Honeymoon Coupe, stopped it in midair, and held it in place.

  "That's some big magnet you got there!" Dark Helmet exclaimed. "I'll bet you could use that to keep messages on the refrigerator!"