Spaceballs: The Book Read online

  SPACEBALLS:

  THE BOOK

  A novelization by Jovial Bob Stine.

  Based on the screenplay written by

  Mel Brooks & Thomas Meehan & Ronny Graham.

  SCHOLASTIC INC.

  New York Toronto London Auckland Sydney

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  ISBN 0-590-41226-4

  Copyright © 1987 Brooksfilms Limited. All rights reserved. Published by Scholastic Inc. POINT is a registered trademark of Scholastic Inc.

  12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 7 8 9/8 0 1 2/9

  Printed in the U.S.A. 01

  First Scholastic printing, June 1987

  ONCE UPON A TIME WARP . . .

  DEEP IN OUTER SPACE,

  FAR BEYOND THE KNOWN UNIVERSE,

  THERE LIVED A RUTHLESS RACE OF

  BEINGS KNOWN AS . . .

  SPACEBALLS

  Chapter 1

  Into the dark stillness of space roared the mighty Spaceball Star Cruiser. The monstrous craft made its way through the star fields, the forward rockets pulling section after section after section after section after section after section after section after section after section after section after section after section after section after section after section after section....Whew....

  The Spaceball Star Cruiser was way too long to fit into a book this short! Let's just say that it was the biggest, widest, longest spaceship ever built.

  On the tail of the gigantic ship, beneath six colossal jets, on the right side of the lower bumper, above the mud flap over the tailpipe was a one-hundred-yard-wide bumper sticker: WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY.

  Inside the command module of the cruiser, Spaceball One, the dark-uniformed crew members worked tirelessly to keep the giant craft on course. Laser gunners hunched over their gunsights. Radar operators hunched over their telescreens. Navigators hunched over their map stations.

  Colonel Sandurz stood at the command rail, observing them all. "Stop all this hunching, everyone!" he called into the intercom. "You know how Lord Helmet feels about good posture!"

  Hearing the name of their feared leader, the crew immediately stiffened and sat up straight. "Much better, fellas," Sandurz told them. "Now everyone try to look just a little more ruthless."

  Sandurz removed his cap and scratched his balding head. He wasn't feeling particularly ruthless today. He frowned and kicked himself hard in the shin.

  Ahh. Good. The pain made him feel a little more ruthless. He had to be ruthless. The Spaceballs were a ruthless people. And he was on a ruthless mission. Stealing all the air from another planet was pretty gosh darn ruthless - right?

  Of course, the Spaceballs weren't really going to steal all the air from Planet Druidia. They were just going to borrow it and breathe it for ten thousand years or so. Still, it was ruthless.

  Sandurz pinched himself real hard. He was feeling soft and flabby. It wasn't the way he wanted to feel. He wondered how others could be ruthless all day long and not even get tired. He wondered what exactly ruthless meant. He'd have to look it up someday. But not today. He remembered he'd left the dictionary on the other end of the spaceship. It would take months to walk over and get it.

  He was about to kick himself again, when he was interrupted by the voice of the radar operator. "We're coming up on Planet Druidia, sir."

  "Excellent," Sandurz replied, stopping himself awkwardly in midkick, nearly falling off the bridge. "Have you notified Lord Helmet?"

  "Yes, Colonel Sandurz," broke in the voice of Ricco, the radio operator. "He's on his way."

  Suddenly, guards' voices echoed in the narrow passageway outside the control center. "Make way for Dark Helmet! Make way for Dark Helmet!"

  Colonel Sandurz nervously positioned his uniform cap back onto his head. The entire crew snapped to attention and looked fearfully toward the command module's black sliding door.

  Heavy footsteps. The door whooshed open. In stepped the unusual figure of their powerful leader, Dark Helmet.

  Whoever had named Dark Helmet had done a darn good job. The fierce Spaceball leader wore the biggest, darkest helmet in the universe.

  Dark Helmet wheezed heavily as he entered the chamber. The faces of the crew filled with terror as he clomped past them, choking and wheezing. The control center echoed with the sound of his wheezing as he strode up to the command rail.

  He stopped next to Colonel Sandurz. He wheezed for a while. Then he did some truly-hideous gasping.

  Finally, Dark Helmet's hand reached up and ripped off his black visor mask. "I can't breathe in this fershlugginer thing!" he cried. He did some more gasping and choking.

  Sandurz waited for Lord Helmet to catch his breath. Then he told him, "We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir."

  Dark Helmet stopped coughing and looked up at Sandurz. Sandurz could see his little head inside the gigantic helmet. He was all sweaty in there.

  "That's good news," Dark Helmet said. "I'll call Spaceball City and inform President Skroob immediately."

  "I've already called him, sir," the radio operator, Ricco, interrupted. "He knows everything." Ricco flashed Lord Helmet a toothy smile.

  Dark Helmet's face darkened. He looked down at Ricco. "You told the President before you told me?"

  "Y-yes, sir," Ricco replied. His smile faded quickly. He began to tremble.

  Dark Helmet was furious. "Sergeant Ricco - are you telling me that you went over my helmet?"

  "Well, uh, not exactly over. More to the side..." Ricco replied weakly. "Sorry, Lord Helmet. It won't happen again. I promise you - "

  Dark Helmet quickly took a black onyx ring with a gold "S" on it out of his pocket and placed it on his right middle finger.

  Horrified, Ricco backed away. "No, sir. No!" he cried, raising his hands in a desperate plea. "Not that!"

  Dark Helmet smiled. "Not that? Of course, that! What else?" Then the evil leader raised the ring, aimed it carefully, and sent out a laser blast that dropped Ricco to the floor, screaming his head off and writhing in pain.

  "Mother of Mercy, can this be the end of Ricco?" the unfortunate crew member cried.

  Sandurz stared at the unfortunate Ricco. "Wow! What a punishment!" he cried.

  "Yeah, I know. I let him off easy," Dark Helmet said, shrugging his helmet. "What can I say? He caught me in a good mood."

  The evil leader realized that some of the crew were staring at him accusingly as Ricco continued to roll around on the floor, howling in agony. "Hey - don't look at me like that," Lord Helmet called to them. "What do you expect - My Little Pony? I'm not a cutey-pie. I'm a bad guy - remember?"

  "Yes, Lord Helmet, sir," the crew replied in unison.

  "Owwwwwwwwch, sir," replied Ricco.

  Having demonstrated what a ruthless guy he was, Dark Helmet turned back to the Colonel. "Sandurz," he called, "I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it?"

  "We don't have visual contact yet, sir," Sandurz told him. "But we have it on the radar screen. I'll punch it up for you."

  "Never mind. I'll do it myself."

  Dark Helmet stepped up to the complicated console and began to push buttons. Lights began to flash. The machine began to beep. A strange bubbling sound could be heard.

  "What's the matter w
ith this thing?" Dark Helmet yelled angrily. "What's all that churning and bubbling? You call this a radar screen?"

  "No, sir," said Sandurz. "We call it 'Mr. Coffee.'"

  Dark Helmet stepped back. He had been operating the coffee machine. "I knew that!" he cried. "I always have coffee when I look at radar! Now ... where's 'Mr. Radar'?"

  Sandurz pointed him toward a different console. A sign above the screen read: MR. RADAR. Dark Helmet began to push buttons. The Planet Druidia appeared on the screen. "Switch to teleview," Dark Helmet commanded.

  Planet Druidia came into clear view. Everyone could see that it was a beautiful planet of blue skies and fluffy white clouds inside a huge Plexiglas air shield.

  "There it is - Planet Druidia," Dark Helmet said, staring at the screen. "And inside the air shield - ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield!"

  "We will, sir," Sandurz said enthusiastically. "Once we kidnap the Princess, we can force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield."

  "Everybody hear that important plot point?" Dark Helmet asked.

  "Yes, sir," everyone answered in unison.

  "Owwwwwwch, sir," answered Ricco.

  Dark Helmet turned back to Sandurz. "When is the Princess to be married?"

  "Within minutes, sir," Sandurz replied.

  "Good." An evil smile crossed Dark Helmet's sweaty little face. "I hope it's a long ceremony - 'cause she's gonna have a short honeymoon!"

  He tilted his head back in an evil laugh, and the visor slammed down over his face. Coughing and wheezing, he struggled to open it. "Help me! Gasp! Get me out!"

  Thinking quickly, Colonel Sandurz reached into his uniform jacket and pulled out a can opener. A few seconds later, he had pried Lord Helmet's visor open.

  As soon as he could catch his breath, Dark Helmet began his evil laugh all over again.

  Chapter 2

  In the royal bedchamber of Vespa, Princess of Planet Druidia, everything softly glowed and shimmered. Vespa's room was like a fairy tale, and Vespa looked like a fairy tale princess, with soft, flowing brown hair; dark, shimmering eyes; and rosebud red lips. On this day, however, her wedding day, Vespa could think of only one fairy tale - Beauty and the Beast.

  "I can't marry him, Dot. I don't love him. I don't even like him," the Princess said, her eyes brimming with tears.

  Dot Matrix, her faithful droid, continued fussing with the Princess's wedding veil. Dot was all dolled up, bright and sparkling like gold. She had poured an entire can of metal polish in her bath! Dot wanted to shine. She was Droid of Honor, after all.

  "Oh, why did I have to be born a princess?" Vespa moaned, throwing herself unhappily down onto a feather footstool. "Why couldn't I have been born a peasant ... an incredibly wealthy peasant. Then I'd be free ... to marry the man of my dreams."

  "The man of your dreams?" the droid asked, sounding surprised. "You know him? You've seen him?"

  The Princess shook her beautiful head sadly. "No, I haven't met him yet. But he's got to be out there ... somewhere...." Vespa gazed longingly out the window, up toward the sky. "Somewhere...."

  ***

  At that very moment, about a million miles above the Princess's castle, a battered, dust-covered Winnebago-type flying camper chugged noisily through a galaxy of stars. Amazing as it may seem, the stars formed the word somewhere.

  The flying Winnebago was not exactly the sleekest spacecraft in the galaxy. On its roof was a rabbit-ears TV antenna. On the side of the camper, someone had written in the dust: PLEASE WASH ME.

  On the dented cockpit door were the words: EAGLE FIVE. Beneath the words was a large painted insignia - a screaming eagle clutching dollar bills in each claw, above the words: CAPTAIN LONE STARR - HERO FOR HIRE. In the side window was a small, hand-lettered sign that read: NO RADIO.

  The interior of the Eagle Five was no better looking than the exterior. Dirty clothes and empty cans littered the cabin. An inch of dust settled over everything, and a sinkful of greasy dishes was piled nearly to the ceiling.

  His boots up on the control panel, his hat pulled down over his face, Captain Lone Starr was catching a bit of shut-eye.

  The phone on the panel began to buzz loudly. Lone Starr ignored it at first. But the buzzing persisted. He groaned, pushed his hat back, and tried to open his eyes. He was a young man, handsome beneath a two-day stubble of beard. He groaned again and shook his head. He was not in great shape. In fact, he was a wreck. Why didn't that buzzing stop?

  His eyes still only half open, Lone Starr reached under the dashboard into a small refrigerator and pulled out a cold can. He fumbled with it until he managed to flip the top, then took a long swig, and answered the phone.

  "You have reached Eagle Five," he said into the receiver, trying to sound like a recording. "Captain Lone Starr is not at home right now. Please leave a message when you hear the sound of the burp."

  Lone Starr burped loudly and hung up the phone. Then he pulled his hat back down over his bloodshot eyes and tried to get back to sleep.

  The flying camper continued to chug along on automatic pilot. But a few seconds later, the phone began buzzing loudly again.

  Lone Starr groaned and called, "Barf! Barf!"

  The grease-stained curtain behind the cockpit opened, and in stepped Barf. Half human, half golden retriever, the three-hundred-pound Barf wagged his tail enthusiastically. "Yeah, boss," he growled. "Whaddaya want?"

  "Barf, answer the phone," Lone Starr said. He groaned from the effort to form words. "Where you been?"

  "Grabbing myself a snack," the big hairy creature replied. "Want a Milkbone?" He held up a box of Milkbone biscuits "For Really Large Dogs."

  The phone buzzed again. And again. Barf began to scratch himself as he bit into the dog biscuit.

  "Hey - have you got fleas again?" Lone Starr asked. He grabbed quickly for a can of flea spray.

  "Who, me??" Barf cried, leaping back, his doggie eyes filled with fear, staring at the threatening spray can. "No. No way! I just got a little itch!"

  Lone Starr looked away. Barf began to scratch furiously, biting at his fur. Lone Starr turned back. Barf stopped in mid-scratch, flashing Lone Starr a big grin, pretending he hadn't been doing anything.

  Lone Starr gave Barf a suspicious look. It wouldn't be the first time the mangy creature had tried to hide his fleas. "Are you gonna answer that phone?" Lone Starr asked irritably.

  "Yeah, yeah. I'll put it on picture," Barf said. He pushed a button on the control panel. A large telescreen lit up, revealing the shiny, stainless-steel face of a gangster droid named Vinnie. Vinnie was smoking an aluminum cigarette.

  "Hello, "Vinnie," Lone Starr groaned, not at all pleased to hear from this caller. "What do you want?"

  "It's not what I want. It's what he wants," Vinnie said.

  "Who wants?" asked Barf, looking confused.

  As Lone Starr and Barf stared at the screen, an evil-looking fat-faced creature pushed Vinnie roughly aside and moved up close. The pudgy creature was half pizza, half man.

  Lone Starr recognized him immediately. "Uh-oh! It's Pizza the Hutt!"

  Pizza the Hutt munched on a slice of pizza for a while. Then his fat lips formed a cheesy sneer. "Well, well. If it isn't Lone Starr and his sidekick, Puke."

  "That's Barf," Barf corrected him.

  "Barf, Puke - whatever...." Pizza the Hutt sneered.

  "Pizza, what a nice surprise," Lone Starr said, his voice rising two or three octaves. He looked frightened - because he was frightened. "Hey, don't worry. We're workin' like crazy. You'll have your hundred thousand space bucks by next month ... uh ... next week ... next day ... tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow."

  "Cross his heart, he hopes to die," Barf added, trying to sound really sincere.

  "A hundred thousand? Unh-uh, pal. You got it wrong." Pizza the Hutt's face slid into a crooked smile. "When you borrow from the Hutt, you got to add a certain amount of interest, compounded hourly - plus late charges. H
mmm ... that comes to.... Let me see...."

  Pizza wet his forefinger and began to punch Vinnie in the eyes with it. A clicking sound came from Vinnie's head as Pizza entered numbers on him, and a stream of white printout paper began to roll out of his mouth.

  Pizza ripped off the printout paper and read it to Lone Starr. "You owe me exactly ... one million spacebucks."

  "A million?" Lone Starr cried. "That's unfair."

  "I wouldn't call it unfair," Pizza said. "I'd call it outrageous!" He giggled. Cheese jiggled, and tomato sauce splashed as he laughed. "But you're gonna pay up - or else."

  "Or else?" Barf asked timidly.

  Pizza the Hutt grinned. "Or else.... Tell 'em, Vinnie."

  Vinnie stepped forward. "Or else, Pizza's gonna send out for you!"

  Pizza's grinning face faded away. The screen went black. But Lone Starr and Barf stared at it without moving for a long, long time.

  Chapter 3

  All of the bells on Planet Druidia chimed out in celebration as Princess Vespa's wedding day dawned. As the warm yellow sun slowly rose in a clear sky, birds added their musical trills to the symphony of chimes. A gentle wind greeted the invited wedding guests, the air sweet and fragrant.

  Outside the First Intergalactic Temple (Reformed) of the Druids, the sign read: Today - The Royal Wedding Of Princess Vespa to Prince Valium. Tomorrow - Bingo.

  Royal footmen were busily heaving case after case of the Princess's matched luggage into the trunk of the royal Honeymoon Coupe. The Coupe was a simple two-passenger spaceship with a Mercedes emblem on the hood. The license plate read: SPOIL'D ROTT'N 1.

  Inside the majestic church the wedding guests buzzed with excitement, waiting for the ceremony to begin. Prince Valium, with his blond pageboy haircut, stood at the altar, awaiting his bride, wondering what all that strange buzzing was.

  The organist began to play "The Wedding March." The guests looked to the aisle to see the bridal party enter.